I should retreat inwards. I have been doing more so this year, using k n i f e and you as small outlet for my some of my thoughts, leaving the rest inside. The less I am around others, the more I am becoming me, which has been difficult. The more unique you are, the more issues you face when confronted with reality. I realized that connecting my TV with my bluetooth headset gives a much better experience. I already have them on most of the time at home anyway, and it provides a clearer audio that is not muffled by the surroundings and as clear in the kitchen as in the living room. I don't have to fear the neighbors hearing or knowing what I am watching with precise volume control. However the cost here like many other things is that it will be another idiosyncrasy added to the list. Once used to it, I will be less able to enjoy tv without. If I have visitors (haha), than it does not really work, or if I ever am somewhere in a group watching something, it will be just slightly harder for me when I am used to TV with headphones. It is a small thing, but these things add up. I can afford to do this now I am isolated, but not sure if I should.

If still have my groundings in reality, I do not want to lose that. Honestly everything in my mind right now revolves around the tether to weird H. My mind can't escape it. If it will end up badly, I will have to retreat. Somi, you will be needed more than ever. you and drai will have to take control. Reading this without context probably sounds like a deranged person talking to people in his head. Reality is not much better, but still it would be nice to be able to communicate more directly. Maybe it will all work out. The best case is still too painful to imagine, as I do not want to imagine such out of reach happiness.